I
ngredients for Brownberry Whole Grains Bread: Whole Wheat Flour, Unbleached Enriched Wheat Flour [Flour, Malted Barley Flour, Reduced Iron, Niacin, Thiamin Mono-Nitrate (Vitamin B1), Riboflavin (Vitamin B2), Folic Acid], Water, Sugar, Wheat Gluten, Whole Rolled Wheat Flakes, Yeast, Cellulose Fiber, Rye, Corn Grits, Oats, Soybean Oil, Salt, Sunflower Seeds, Molasses, Brown Rice, Steel Cut Oats, Triticale, Barley, Buckwheat Flour, Flaxseed, Millet, Soy Grits, Calcium Propionate (Preservative), Monoglycerides, Datem, Calcium Sulfate, Soy Lecithin, Azodicarbonamide, Nuts (Walnuts and/or Hazelnuts and/or Almonds), Whey, Nonfat Milk.Darn. I really wanted some toast, too.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ingredients for Weight Watchers Whole Wheat Bread:
Whole Wheat Flour, Water, Wheat Gluten, High Fructose Corn Syrup, Sugarcane Fiber, Inulin (Chicory Root Fiber), Contains 2% Or Less Of The Following: Molasses, Oat Fiber, Salt, Calcium Sulfate, Yeast, Soybean Oil, Soy Protein Isolate, Vinegar, Calcium Propionate (Preservative), Mono and Diglycerides, Guar Gum, Sodium Stearoyl, Lactylate, Datem, Ethoxylated Mono and Diglycerides, Reduced Iron, Folic Acid.That’s better. I really do need my toast in the morning. And coffee. Coffee is amazing. I think I’m probably physically addicted to caffeine. I don’t think I’m physically addicted to toast.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ingredients for Smart Balance Lite Buttery Spread: Natural oil blend (palm fruit, soybean, canola seed, and olive oils), water, contains less than 2% of salt, whey, vegetable monoglycerides and sorbitan ester of fatty acids (emulsifiers), soybean lecithin, potassium sorbate, lactic acid (to protect freshness), natural and artificial flavor, vitamin E (dl-oxtocopheryl acetate), calcium disodium EDTA, vitamin A palmitate, beta-carotene color.Meh. This is bad kind of fake butter. I prefer Earth Balance on my toast. Smart Balance kind of tastes like soggy paper towels. My dad used all the Earth Balance fake butter to make a peach cobbler, though, so we’re all out. This is the second peach cobbler he’s made in the last three days, and I’m really not sure why. Then again, my mom did buy an entire crate of peaches. I’m not sure why she did that, either.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ingredients for Stauffer’s Animal Crackers: Enriched Flour (Wheat Flour, Niacin, Reduced Iron, Thiamine Mononitrate [Vitamin B1]Riboflavin [Vitamin B2]Folic Acid)Sugar, Partially Hydrogenated Soybean Oil, High Fructose Corn Syrup, Salt, Sodium Bicarbonate (Leavening)Soy Lecithin (an Emulsifier)Natural Flavor, Non Fat Dry Milk, Mace (a Spice)The third most annoying question I ever get asked is: “Can you eat animal crackers?” It’s not that it’s a particularly offensive question; it’s just that everyone thinks that they’re so bloody clever when they ask it. And for your information, no, I can’t.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ingredients for vegan marshmallows in a dream I had the other night: Pure Cane Sugar, High Fructose Corn Syrup, Methadone, WaterNow, why would they go on putting methadone in marshmallows? In my dream, no less. I definitely don’t need methadone. I’m not a recovering heroin addict. I’m not a recovering anything addict. I don’t do drugs. I don’t smoke. I don’t drink. I don’t do a lot of things, if it comes to that.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ingredients for Dandie’s Air Puffed Marshmallows that my friend found the very next day: Corn Syrup, Beet Sugar, Corn Starch, Corn Dextrose, Water, Carageenan, Soy Protein, Natural Vanilla FlavorOkay, that was kind of spooky. Everyone was so sure that vegan marshmallows were just a myth. I myself was beginning to lose faith. One morning though…
“Guess what I found?”
Errr… I though for a moment “Your Nintendo?
“No. It’s something we thought didn’t exist”
But they did.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ingredients for SPAM:
chopped pork shoulder meat with ham meat added, salt, water, sugar, sodium nitrite.Lately I’ve been seeing a lot of commercials for SPAM. They involve dancing SPAM cans. I never really thought anyone ate SPAM. I thought it was just a gimmick used in Monty Python sketches. If you were on a deserted island and had nothing to eat but a can of raw SPAM, would you eat it? I’m only asking because, well, the second most annoying question I’ve ever been asked is: if you were on a deserted island and there was nothing to eat but a cow, would you eat it? The question itself is akin to asking someone if they would cannibalize another human if they had no other option. My response to that question? Well…
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ingredients for Soylent SPAM: …
Naw, I’m just kidding. Really.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ingredients for Lays Potato Chips: Potatoes, Sunflower and/or Safflower oil, Salt.I know they’re really unhealthy and have next to no nutrition at all, but often times I’ll be in the kitchen and will have polished off half a bag before I’ve even realized that we actually have potato chips. I hate it when that happens.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ingredients for Lays Baked Potato Chips: Dehydrated Potatoes, Modified Food Starch, Sugar, Corn Oil, salt, Soy Lecithin, Leavening (Monocalcium Phosphate and Sodium Bicarbonte), Dextrose.And they say these are the healthy ones? It sounds like any number of those ingredients could give you cancer. Or give you an infection. Or turn you into a zombie.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ingredients for Parma Parmesan Substitute: Raw Organic Walnuts, Red Star Nutritional Yeast, Celtic Sea Salt, LoveThat’s something you see surprisingly infrequently. Nothing else I’ve read the ingredients of has been made with real love. I wonder why the FDA let them get away with it. It’s cute, but I think it would be better without love.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ingredients for Big Mac: Two 100% Beef Patties, Sesame Seed Bun, American Cheese Slice, Big Mac Sauce, Lettuce, Pickles, Onions, Salt, Pepper100% beef? No. I’m sure it’s all tumors and hooves. Whenever I think of McDonalds, I think of the movie Supersize Me. I think of all of those people in the fast food joints, stuffing their faces and flooding their brains with endorphins. I imagine them going home and downing a bottle of cheap alcohol and flooding their brains with more endorphins, and then going into their rooms and locking the door and flooding their brains with even more endorphins.
Well I will not
I
Will
Not
And then there’s that question. The question. The most annoying question I’ve ever been asked.
Why?
And then the answer surfaces deep in my mind. I say “No, that’s not true” and push it away. But deep down in the shadow of my mind’s eye I picture myself sticking my nose in the air and uttering a distinct “Hmph.”
